she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
