I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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