A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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