when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
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