I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
