Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
