When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
