Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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