If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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