i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
