no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
