shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
