A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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