The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i think i have two assholes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
