good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
