There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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