so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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