Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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