mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
