i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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