Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
