Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
