I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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