My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
