you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
