beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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