wanna go halves on a baby?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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