My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
