My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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