the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
