my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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