Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
