thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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