ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
