theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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