saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
