Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
