can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
