well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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