She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize