the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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