like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
