Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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