My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
