I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
