Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
