I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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