I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
