You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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