I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
