Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
