u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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