I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize