someone owes me an orgasm
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
