When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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