We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
