Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed